Both of these are the same person. I think this speaks to the transient nature of “truth.” Things and people have many facets and dimensions to them, all of them just as true as the others, all of them based on specific emotions or perspectives. I think our difficulty conceptualizing these dualities is frustrating, so we stubbornly simplify them to satisfy our own limitations. But that doesn’t make our perception any more real, only more comfortable. It’s interesting how much our emotions dictate the “truths” that we SEE in the world, which subsequently shapes our perception of the world as a whole.
Mmmmmmmmm fuck yeah. Today! Let’s go out and get a bagel! Aw hell yeah, sidewalk! Oh, that girl was into me. I bet I could get her to fall in love with me.* I don’t even give a fuck that I’m wearing sweatpants. I’m going to be so huge. I can do anything I want. I could write a movie right now. I could explain the meaning of life in an hour. I know the deal. I GET IT. Oh, shit, I just had a great idea. I’ll write it down. That’s fucking genius. Oooh, I got an email… hell yes! Just got a sweet gig. I’m on fire. Unstoppable. BULLETPROOF. Me. Aka “the shit.” Oh, look who’s texting me. It’s my ex! Yep, they all miss me. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to anyone. Look at this fucking face and body in the reflection of this building! God damn. I really like the way this shirt fits. It’s 11 AM. The sun is fucking beautiful! Yeah, feel that sunlight. Fuck, nature is a beautiful thing. We just need to be in touch with it, it’s pretty simple. It creates tranquility. Just feeling all the life around me. Look at this guy walking down the street. He probably has a super interesting story! All the things he’s seen! All the things we’ve all seen! It’s crazy. We’re all here right now on this planet and it’s beautiful. I honestly hope my ex is happy. She deserves it. It’s okay that it didn’t work out between us. We will both move on and become stronger, better people. GROWTH IS THE GREATEST FEELING! I FEEL MYSELF GETTING STRONGER. SMARTER. BETTER. Yearning for more and moving in that direction. I am living the life that I WANT TO LIVE. I am DOING IT. I have such immense ability to DO. I’m so grateful. I am thankful for all that I have. My friends. My family. I love them. I want them all to be happy. I hope I’m being a good enough friend/son/brother. I know I get wrapped up in my own shit, but I’m doing my best. I want them to have everything they want in life. I really do. I feel the energy of the universe flowing through me at all times, and I am filled with gratitude. I am doing everything I can to GIVE BACK to the universe the love that it gives me every day. LIFE. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!
* Notice the complete absence of any awareness of how utterly narcissistic and sadistic this sentence is. That’s the power of confidence: the delusion of doubtlessness.
Ugh… It’s already 1:00 PM. I’m still in bed. I slept with my socks on because I didn’t want to bend down and take them off. I tried taking them off with my feet, but my toe couldn’t get inside the elastic, so I just gave up. I haven’t done anything today. I could check Facebook, but I know I’m just looking for something to snap me out of this, but nothing will. Nobody will email me or message me telling me how great I am or offering me some opportunity that validates my existence. It will be the same bullshit, like Upworthy where the people post videos with such an arrogance it’s as if they’re the ones in the video, or other horse shit articles involving liberal pandering. I should probably run or something. Work out. I’ve done that every day this week and it’s supposed to help. Does it? I still feel like shit. How the fuck do people get up every day? Jesus, it’s already two o’clock! Ugh. I have to do the dishes. I don’t want to do them. CAN SOMEONE DO MY DISHES PLEASE?! ANYONE?! Nobody cares. I don’t even care. So what, my dishes are dirty? I could clean them. Then what? Then I’d just be a faggot with clean dishes. I’d still be terrible and not funny and not that smart and alone. I’M ALONE. Even my friends don’t truly get me because they ARE NOT ME. I want everyone in the world to be me so I wouldn’t have to worry about people not understanding me. They never understand. Fuuuuuuuck it’s after four. The sun is going to go down soon. GREAT JOB, DREW! YOU HAVE FINITE DAYS ON THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET AND YOU WASTE THEM THINKING ABOUT THINGS YOU’RE NOT DOING! GOOOOOOOOOOOOD WAY TO BE A HUMAN. DO YOU THINK YOU’LL LIVE FOREVER? YOU ARE DYYYYYYYYYING. DO SOMETHING. LIVE, IDIOT! LIVE!!!!! DO ALL THE THINGS YOU TOLD YOURSELF YOU COULD DO AS A KID. But you can’t do those things. They’re too hard. You committed yourself to one thing and this is it. What if it doesn’t work out?! What if you’ve just been deluding yourself into thinking this was even remotely possible and then you find out when it’s way too late. Like when you’re 50. OH WELL! TOUGH LUCK, SHIT HEAD! HAHAHAHA. Oh man. It’s 6 o’clock. I was supposed to already be out of the house. I still need to do those fucking dishes. Okay, I can do the dishes tomorrow. I just need to shower. That will turn this whole thing around… Okay, now I’m just miserable and wet. That didn’t help. My hair is wet. I’ll just sit on the toilet in a towel for a minute and think this through. It’s seven o’clock. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to look anyone in the face. They’re all idiots. They don’t get it. They’re all living in a pretend world where they are the kings and it’s stupid. I would rather stay here and watch a movie. I hope nobody comes home. I don’t want to have to deal with them. CAN’T I JUST BE ALONE FOR ONCE IN MY GODDAMN LIFE?! Drew, you’ve been alone all fucking day! But you wasted it. I should text my ex. She understood me. She loved me. She saw this part of me and still wanted me. No, you just want her because you feel terrible. You want someone to define you. You want her love to prop you up! GET OVER YOURSELF! I should probably get off the toilet and brush my teeth? Have I done that yet today? Ugh… it’s 8 o’clock. This day is fucking over. I’m watching a movie. What movie? None of them are going to make me feel good. They’re all stupid contrivances. They’re not even real! Just the imagination of some other stupid human making other stupid humans say the words he wrote while it’s filmed on a camera invented by some other stupid human. “Ooh, I spent my entire life inventing the camera. Now I’m a dead faggot.” Cool life, dummy. Let’s see what movie I should watch. All these movies suck. 9 o’clock. Okay, I have to pick a movie now. Otherwise it will be too late. I’m hungry. I don’t have any food here. Ugh. I don’t want to walk to the bagel place… It’s not even open. Nothing is open anymore. I still have an hour. Let’s look at what’s open and nearby… Ugh it’s 10:00. It’s all closed. It’s just pizza and diners now. I don’t want to sit at a diner. I’m lactose intolerant. Can’t eat pizza. Let’s find a movie. I liked Mulholland Drive. Is there anything like that I could watch? Fuck it’s 11:00. Okay, I think I have some cereal left over and like a drop of milk. Fuck it. That’s good enough. I have some peanut butter too. I just need to wash a spoon so I can eat it. I could jerk off? That might relax me. “Why? So I can trick myself into thinking I’m touching a person who doesn’t even exist? That’s how we’re spending our time now?” Oh, shut up. Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of life. “Yeah, not when it’s a desperate attempt at intimacy it’s not. Not when you look in the mirror the whole time and LIE TO YOUR OWN FACE!” So, what then? What should I do? MOVIE. Fuck. Hungry. It’s midnight. I’ve been staring at this computer now for hours. Screens are terrible for you. They rot your brains. They are filling my mind with poison. MY MIND! I’m wasting it. I’m selling it to no one for nothing. I had such potential. I could have been anything! Now I’m this guy. Fuck this. I’m jerking off. I don’t care what you say. “Fine, go ahead. But I’m going to make it reeeeeeeaally hard to concentrate.” Come on, please? “Nope… ready? YOUR MOM NAKED YOUR INABILITY TO GIVE YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE YOUR DAD FUCKING YOUR MOM YOUR GRANDPARENTS YOUR EX FUCKING SOMEONE WITH A BIGGER COCK YOUR FRIENDS LAUGHING AT YOU YOUR DAD JERKING OFF IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION YOU’RE IN YOUR GRANDPA SHITTING!” You’re the worst. I’m sitting back down on the toilet. Fuck, man. It’s 1 AM. The whole day is gone. I should probably do something. I should write something. Oh, I know! I can write about my day! I can analyze depression and post that somewhere! People will like that. They’ll like ME for writing it. They’ll identify with it because everyone has experienced something like this at one point. That’s not a bad idea. Okay, I’m done. I did it. It’s 3 AM. Now I can jerk off and go to bed in peace. I’m going to be okay. I think. I’m too tired to think.